The TBL Winter League

"Wherefore the Table Blades League?"

In succinct and philosophical style, noted purist Andrei Bukachenko posed that question yesterday, eschewing social media and posing his enquiry by the use of sky-writing.

Bukachenko demands answers

This blog can answer Bukachenko's enquiry thus..

Gary Little has been positioning himself to join a different table tennis league.

Mark Nelson has been wandering the hinterlands of the UK, preaching his words of wisdom to alarmed people in dim basements.

Viv Gee is in physiotherapy following a serious yoga injury.

Bruce Morton has for the last four months been battling internal demons and is currently 8-1 down in the series.

Greg Hemphill has relocated to the United States in a move reminiscent of David Beckham joining LA Galaxy.

Rob Kane was last seen "finding himself" in an ashram some fifty miles north of Delhi, spending two days a week doing voluntary work in a battered elephant shelter.

And of Chris Forbes..? Who knows? A string of paternity suits may be the reason for his current low public profile.

No matter the reasons, no matter the locations (geographic or emotional) these players are under scrutiny. A legion of fans and followers has been cast aside, it seems, like a pair of disposable panties. Wherefore, indeed, the Table Blades League?

This blog calls for answers from those named above. Is it over? Is it simply a memory? Or will this league, like Lazarus, rise from the darkness and demonstrate it's life  - or will it lie rotting on some distant shore like a beached Leviathan whose only purpose is to stir the pity of a populace?

Player Profile - Rob Kane

It is a long way from the dusty streets of Bombay to the polished floors of the Gorbals Sports Centre, Glasgow.

But such is the journey made by Rob Kane, the self-styled "Souness" of the TBL.

Born to impoverished hippies whose Magic Bus To Morocco took a wrong turn in 1971, Kane has fought his way from the bottom to quite near the middle. On that journey, he has fought polio, syphilis and the dreadful whims of mud-caked dervishes.

Few could muster the resolve that is the trademark of big Rob. Legend has it that at the age of eleven, in an illegal back-street Bombay fight, he defeated a bear. By the age of seventeen, it is said, he had killed four beggars, two snake charmers, another couple of bears and a bearded fool who claimed to be ex-CIA.

Settling in Glasgow in the 1990's, Kane sought to reinvent himself as a footballer, such aspiration cruelly halted after a seemingly innocuous challenge during a junior football game which led to numerous visits by a Swiss specialist and ultimately brought no comfort to Kane, nor to his left knee, which has famously been described in journals as "utterly fucking gubbed."

After years in the wilderness, the rebirth of the one now known as "Angry Wrists" began in earnest. A chance encounter with a drug-addicted yogi on Argyle Street led Kane to JJB Sports, where, they say, the sight of a table tennis bat caused him to prostrate himself on the nylon carpet and garble the names of ancient Gods. This blog understands that his litany on that day included the names of John Greig, Jock Wallace, Sandy Jardine, Ian Ferguson, Andy Gorman and Nacho Novo.

Kane himself seems content to let rumour and conjecture colour his image. What is of no doubt is that he, of all the TBL players, can truly be considered a sleeping giant.

A ferocious forehand and a bastard of a backhand mark Rob Kane as the dangerous mystery of the TBL. A player whose demeanor suggests he has something to prove and who will not rest until that which is to be proven is finally proved.

It remains the case that Rob Kane's notorious volatility arouses approbation. Not least among the beaks and the purists. Aside, that is, from the German purists, the hardcore Beard of Berlin, whose devotion to "der uber flicke" holds Kane in high regard.

Still, though, every TBL player feels a frisson of doubt when the eyebrows of Kane meet in the middle.

Season Two: Week Three

Table Tension

Shocking scenes marred today's meeting when Chris Forbes appeared to throw a punch at the reigning champion, Gary Little. TBL players rushed to separate the two after an ill-tempered match which Little won by two controversial points.

The normally affable Forbes was seen to raise his blade in a threatening manner and, according to one witness, vow to kill the champion's dog the next time he seen it.

This on a day when Rob Kane, the notorious and self-styled "Souness of the TBL" was missing because of a scheduled appointment with the beaks, following last week's incident with a purist. His absence meant a truncated league meeting: the other players electing to complete only one round today (rather than the regular two rounds) and filling the remaining time with some doubles matches.

Of the official matches, the points totals today were as follows.

Gary 20
Greg 16
Chris 12
Bruce 14 (includes a victory over Chris in a "carry-over" match from last week)
Viv 4
Mark 2

Current totals and places are at the bottom of this post.

The off-table shenanigans left Greg Hemphill apparently unmoved, although Mark Nelson later suggested that the Canadian took quiet pleasure in the fracas between the two players immediately above him and below him in the league. Certainly, he showed trademark focus, hauling 16 points from an available 20 and, as shown in the photo above, concentrating only on the ball in front of him and not the one behind his head.

Viv "Batgirl" Gee, meanwhile, continues to grow in style and confidence, grabbing, even in defeat, some cool points across the board and suggesting that she may be thinking of a top four place in this, her first TBL season. Her spirited  - and occasionally ingenious - 4-2 victory against Nelson showed the resilience and the subtlety which has lately endeared her to the Copenhagen Beard.

And what of Mark Nelson?

The Admiral will be disappointed with a points total of two on the day, but it may be that his mind was on other things: an imminent baby and an even more imminent appearance in the Edinburgh Marathon, in which Mark is running this weekend. All of the TBL wishes him well in both experiences. The records show 2 points overall for Mark, but do not record his extraordinary fight in a deuce game against The Spin Doctor, which went to 16 points, in Morton's favour.

Below, the current TBL placings. First though, a reminder that Rob Kane did not play today. The backlog that this blog warned of some weeks ago during the reconstruction debate has begun in earnest.


TBL Current Points and Places

Gary 110

Greg 96

Chris 80

Bruce 58

Rob 58

Mark 20

Viv 20

Have a good week. 'til next week!

Season Two: Week Two

If no great surprises today, one or two talking points.

Today was about positioning. Today saw players study the rolling scoreboard much more closely than before. And today saw Gary Little play twelve near-merciless matches, taking 46 points of the 48 available, rubbing out his nearest rival in that run and losing only to a spirited Chris Forbes display in the second match of their series.

 Video highlight: Forbes v Little 21 point rally on Vimeo

And it was Forbes too, who derailed Hemphill today. The Canadian was smarting after his wipeout by big Gary and probably fancied his chances when Chris strolled to the table. Result: Forbes 4 - 2 Hemphill. Though Greg reversed that result in their second match, you just know that one hurt.

Today's points totals:
Gary 46
Greg 38
Chris 34
Rob 24
Bruce 20
Mark 10
Viv 10


Rob Kane, clearly carrying an injury, played through the pain barrier: much like Barry Ferguson in his pomp.
Indeed, the two share a temperament - the infamous bat-throwing malarkey last season becomes part of a catalogue, after today's incident, when Kane got into a staring contest with a nearby purist.

Kane eyeballs a purist

Kane could face the beaks again, only weeks after Batgate. Today, he picked up 24 points here and there, including 6 from 8 in a cracking series with Forbes. Mark Nelson broke the champagne bottle on the hull of Victory in a 4-2 win over Kane and announced that the Admiral has hoisted his sails.

A so-so day for The Spin Doctor was an encouraging one not only for Nelson, but for Viv Gee, who scored wins against Bruce, Chris and Mark.

One match of round two remains to be played, (Chris v Bruce).


TBL LEAGUE: Season 2 Week 2

Gary 90

Greg 80

Chris 68

Rob 58

Bruce 44

Mark 18

Viv 16

Have a good week. Till next week!

Player Profile: Gary Little

Gary Little

The machine. 

Such was the soubriquet bestowed upon this player by the Copenhagen Beard in 2012.

And so it has proved. Little's game remains the benchmark. Composure, determination, skill and instinct make for a heavy-duty presence across the table, as many challengers have found.

It is said of Little that he left home at the age of twelve to study under the sensei Lu Pak, legendary Ping Pong Pa of Wu Dan Mountain. The champion himself is reticent about his tuition, saying only that, "my skills were honed in a place few would wish to go".

The man's record speaks for itself: West Of Amateur Scotland Champion at the age of 14, four consecutive gold medals in the Shettleston Shield ('92-'96), five first positions in the HMP Invitational and, of course, the controversial runner-up place in the Southside Open of 2006.  Of that latter, too much has already been written. Suffice to say that the events of that day led Little to a life of recluse.
" I didn't pick up a blade for years" he told GQ  in 2009. "The sight of a table tennis ball brought me out in a rash".

It may be that Little's pain was a factor in his very public fall-out with Bukachenko, (independent purist now linked with the new purists of the Paris Beard). Their angry exchange of letters in 2009 is something of which both parties have since apologised. Says Little, "I respect Andrei. If only the younger players of the TBL could afford the same to the older players, perhaps we could see the end of bitterness."

So. Something changed in the champion. Somewhere in 2011. Perhaps it was new love, perhaps it was a new perspective after months of walking up and down mountains; bagging Munros; thinking of the past; replaying in his mind shots won and lost, looking to the future: such reverie witnessed only by his faithful dog, Deuce.

Whatever the myth, whatever the legend, however the ravages of the years, Gary Little remains the man to beat. Remains "The Machine". Remains the height and the place where others must travel. The man whose talent was finessed at Wu Dan Mountain and revived in the cold, clean air of Ben Lomond. 

And  - let's not forget - the TBL would not exist were it not for the passion and determination of the current champion, Gary "Quick Wrists" Little. 

All hail the champ.

Interview with a Purist

Of the purists, it is often said that they cause as much dismay as debate. Those whom the purists reject become small-minded, angry even, while declaring themselves not bothered and even bored by the murmurings of a nearby beard.

Among those to whom the purists give their graces, however, can be found a quiet satisfaction, a balm perhaps, of some arcane mix, bestowing on the purists' favoured ones a glow.

In an exclusive interview, TBL blog spoke with Andrei Bukachenko, revered commentator on our sport, inaugural president of the Purists Foundation and a man whose insights and philosophies make him, arguably, the purists' purist.

Bukachenko - "the new purists exist for a reason"

TBL
Can you explain purism for us?

AB
Purism shifts like sand, flows like a river, is this  - but yet that. It looks for beauty among the rank. It seeks subtleties where others see nothing.

TBL
That's what Chris Forbes was saying the other day.

AB
Forbes is an interesting player. Reminds me very much of a young Chen Choo.  It was a shame that Chen burned out so quickly, but yet his star flared bright and, of course, he left us with the Chen Choo Backhand.

TBL
You have criticised the Chen Choo Backhand in the past.

AB
Only for it's lack of subtlety. Other purists felt the same. Notably, the Paris Beard, who all came out in agreement with my assessment.

TBL
It's interesting that you mention the Paris Beard. Some have described them as "the new purists." And yet you find yourself aligned with them.

AB
In the Chen Choo matter, perhaps. And as I say, purism shifts like sand. The Paris Beard may be a vanguard, or a distraction. It exists for either reason.

TBL
We hear that the new TBL player Viv  Gee, is already the subject of comment over the brandy and cigars.

AB
Indeed. She reminds me of a young Bjork, who was a player of some subtlety before going off on a music career. Bjork was a wonderful short-game player, and, like this Viv Gee, favoured cunning, bluff and velour trousers. Indeed, I was at a fascinating gathering on Monday evening where two purists recreated in slow-motion mime the entire Bjork - Chen Choo semi-final of 94. It remains to be seen whether Ms Gee will be afforded such a tribute. But yes, there is something subtle there.

TBL
Who do you like for the season?

AB
Hemphill's ambition has been helped by this new scoring system. However, that very ambition may be his downfall. As Hoeg of the Copenhagen Beard once said, "Those who stare at the sun can be blinded". As to who will prevail, well (LAUGHS) I'm a purist. I have other things on my mind.

TBL
Thanks for your time

Time Concerns

A concern was raised at the end of the 7th May meeting: "what about the cup and the doubles?"

As we saw, the new "Best Of Three" format proved a hit. But, two whole rounds were played that day and an extra five minutes had to be appropriated at the end of the meeting to allow the last match to be played. There was no room for The Friendly Cup nor time for any doubles. Some stats are shown below.


First, though, a quick note on definitions:

A game: Player A v Player B, to 21 points ( or beyond)

A match: Player A v Player B in their Best Of Three

A round: All players complete six matches.



7th May Stats

42 matches were played.

That's two rounds of 21 matches.

Only 12 of the 42 matches went to three games. (e.g. Greg 2 v 4 Rob)

So, we got squeezed for time on a day when only 28.5% of matches actually went to three games.

Purists discuss time and structure

You can see the potential problem. Your TBL blog makes this suggestion: future meetings consist of only one round of league games, the remainder of the time available given to the other activities.

Thoughts? Comments?

Drop them here and let the administrator know he is not using this blog as little more than Twitter fuel.

Season Two. Week One.

They're off and running.

The sun shone brightly as season two of the TBL kicked off in earnest.

The new match and scoring system, of  "best of threes", proved popular with not only the players but, surprisingly, the purists, whose resistance to change has, heretofore, been resolute and legend.

So. A good start for last season's gold and silver medalists saw Gary and Greg tough it out and break the 40 point line. Not far behind though, Chris and Rob (in an echo of last season's fight for bronze) each took 34 points home.

Finding their feet, new members Mark and Viv showed pluck, verve and very decent style. In the end, their point tallies today may be modest, but enough was revealed at this meeting to show that both players will, at the very least, be throwing some spanners into some works as the season progresses.

A recount was suggested at the end of the meeting. Good call. The recount delivers placings and points as shown below:


TBL LEAGUE: week one

GARY
44

GREG
42

CHRIS
34

ROB
34

BRUCE
24

MARK
8

VIV
6


Series Of The Day
Viv vs Mark (4-2, 2-4)


Next meeting is Tuesday 14th May. 10am-noon.

Have a good week - 'til next week!

Two Blades more for Season Two

As season two looms, the TBL is delighted to welcome two new members to the ranks of the rank.

Mark Nelson: aka "The Admiral"

Viv Gee: aka "Batgirl"

In a friendly pre-season meeting today, Mark and Viv showed enough to prove that the Table Blades League will be enhanced by their presence.

Viv's portfolio of cunning chops and spins brought a fresh style to the tables and Mark's never-say-die attitude suggests that he has not joined the TBL simply to make up the numbers.

Season Two kicks off in earnest next week.

Tuesday morning, 10-12

When seven comedy talents will show that when they wield a blade, it is no laughing matter.

Proposals for Season Two

As discussed after the final meeting of Season One, here are proposals for Season Two. These proposals were put forward, discussed and broadly agreed by all except Chris, who excused himself from this discussion, citing some issue with his mistress.

Bruce, Rob, Gary and Greg trust that these proposals will meet with Chris' approval.

In order of significance then, the proposals..


1. Best of Three
A new system of games/points is implemented, thus: a "match" would consist of consecutive games (to a maximum of three games) against the same opponent.  Two points are awarded for each victory in a match. A match is deemed complete if a player wins two-in-a-row in that match.


2. League Expansion
Other players are invited to join the TBL.


3. Doubles League
If the TBL can expand to include, ideally, an even number of players, such players will choose a doubles partner for the season, thereby allowing a Table Blades Doubles League to be formed. Time could be allocated in each meeting for these TBDL games or, conceivably, every second meeting can be devoted entirely to this Doubles League. Suggestions welcome. Whether this league adheres to the points system as laid out above is not yet confirmed. Again, suggestions welcome.


4. Trophies
TBL members contribute a small amount to purchase 2 trophies: one for the TBL Fun Cup, the other for the TBL Season League. Winner holds their trophy until defeated.


5. TBL Social Fund
Rob Kane suggested a rolling pot: that is, a pound or so from each player every week to build up a fund which would be splashed during a "night out" at the end of the year.


Fellow Bladers, your comments and /or your participations in the current poll, are invited and welcome.

And, of course, our congratulations go to the TBL Season One Champion, Mr Gary Little.

To deuce or beyond!

Final Week: Places and Report

It was, said some, only a matter of time.

And so it proved.

Gary "Quick Wrist" Little is crowned champion of the inaugural Table Blades League.

Champion

A haul of 45 points today marked the man's class and his domination of this sport, but, in truth, his title was all but confirmed even before today's meeting, as a glance at the overall TBL results shows. Coming into the hall this morning, the big man had already established a huge 94 point gap between himself and his nearest challenger, Greg "Maple Grief" Hemphill.

Silver Medal

And while the Canadian nailed an impressive 37 points across the games today (including two wins against Little in their series), that tally was never going to be enough to worry the champion. Indeed, the stats show that big Gary could simply have stayed at home, chilling the champagne and idly checking Twitter for results updates.

Here then, the final points and official placings in the first Table Blades League.


Gary "Quick Wrist" Little
287

Greg "Maple Grief" Hemphill
190

Chris "Thunder & Lightning" Forbes
127

Rob "Angry Wrists" Kane
124

Bruce "The Spin Doctor" Morton
104


Magnanimous in victory, the champion had this to say: "I hope my opponents, rivals and assorted haters can see this result as a lesson. It is to their credit that they kept on going even when hope was lost, skill was short and technique sadly absent." Little went on to praise his supporters: "I want to pay particular tribute to the fans in the far corner, who have brought so much pride and passion during this campaign".

And so to the runners and riders. It was going to take something exceptional to deny Greg his silver medal today, having already established a 39 point gap between him and his nearest rival, Rob Kane. The self-styled Sleeping Bear took three games from Kane, three from Forbes, two from Little and all four in his series with Morton. His 37 points today were augmented and acknowledged by quiet plaudits from the purists - many of whom have had to reassess their views as this campaign unfolded.

The purists discuss Hemphill

The eyes of many, however - particularly the housewives - were mainly on Forbes and Kane, each of whom had a chance of securing third place. Round One saw Rob take 7 points, Chris take 9. In Round Two, their respective tallies were 12 and 14. In the end and by a tiny margin, it was Thunder & Lightning Forbes who claimed the remaining place on the podium, with a league total of 127, to Kane's 124.

Bronze Medal

"Angry Wrists" will look back ruefully at his four-game series against the youngster, which saw each player win two. Had Rob managed a third win in that series, the TBL would have seen a play-off for the bronze medal.

In a fit of frustration at the end of the meeting, Kane was seen to throw his blade to the ground (see pic), resulting in damage to the blade and, no doubt, an appointment with the beaks.

Broke Bat Mountain

What of The Spin Doctor? A fine start to his campaign proved to be a false dawn, as he saw his placing and his hopes tumble week by week, a slide reflected in his results today, where his only consolations were a couple of deuce games, two narrow victories and a rare win over the champ in the final and meaningless game of their series.


Thrashing of The Day
Kane 11 - 1 Morton

Series Of The Day
Kane v Forbes (11-6, 5-11, 6-11, 11-6)


Table Blades League
Season One Champion
Gary "Quick Wrist" Little



Have a good week - 'til next week!

Week 4: Places and Report

When a storm arrives

Today, Thunder & Lightning Forbes invoked the weather gods. At 11am he rode into the sports hall on a cloud of guile and gusto which had big Gary Little scurrying for cover as the young man handed out an 11-6 lesson in the opening game. Wins for Gary in their next two encounters may have led the sensei to imagine that his opponent had fluked that first win, but the fourth in their series saw Forbes wield his Blutenkirsche blade like the Stormbringer sword of Norse mythology, taking the victory by 11-8 and marking the first time that Gary has lost two to the same opponent on the same day in this league. The purists are said to be now at each others' throats, some claiming a new revolution, others insisting that what they witnessed was no more than a Thunder & Lightning flash in the pan.

Quick Wrist Little showed himself undeterred by Forbes' form, dishing out pain here there and everywhere while nary breaking a sweat. A steady 21 points in Round One and 21 in Round Two showed the class of the old fox, taking max wins in his series v Kane,  Morton and Hemphill. Little declared himself satisfied with his overall performance and, in an unguarded remark, suggested the purists go pleasure each other in a shed.

   

And what of Maple Grief? Consistency is the Canadian's hallmark. He pulled a haul of 15 points in round one and 15 in round two - those totals exactly the same as his previous week's harvest. And let's not think that consistent means dull: the self-styled "friendly bear" unleashed some outstanding shots today, demolishing Bruce "the Spin Doctor" Morton in all four of their games and conceding nothing in his series with Angry Wrists Kane. Impressive stuff from a player only recently blinking in the sunlight after 16 months in rehab. He found no joy in his series v Little, but, notably, grabbed the Table Blades Fun Cup silverware from big Gary's hands today, resulting in scenes of pandemonium not witnessed since the fall of Saigon in '75.

Kane and Morton struggled today. The former whining about unaligned chakra and the latter clearly fatigued after a hectic weekend of umpteen gigs and alcohol. Nevertheless, Kane, when in the mood, shows himself to be a formidable force with a frightening return of serve and still the most aggressive player in this league.

Thrashing Of The Day: Forbes 11 - 1 Morton.

Series Of The Day: Forbes v Little (11-6, 6-11, 9-11, 11-8)

Time allowed for a few additional official matches. Those results are noted and will be added in time. The current placings as shown below reflect today's points tallies in the regular four-games series, added to previously existing points.

So, The Table Blades League currently looks like this:

Little 235

Hemphill 141

Kane 102

Forbes 101

Morton 89

Hemphill cannot attend the next meet, citing complications after some blood transfusion malarkey. It is anticipated that the other Table Blades will get together for a "friendly" meet. Date & time will be organised by Gary.

Have a good week - 'til next week!

Week 3: Places & Report

Current Places

Quick Wrist 191

Maple Grief 111

Angry Wrists 88

The Spin Doctor 85

Thunder & Lightning 71

Match Report

Maple Grief Hemphill was the story of the day, nailing 15 points in Round One and 15 points in Round Two. This steady  - and occasionally inspired - performance cemented his position in second place in The Table Blades League and, though Quick Wrist Little once again dominated the meet, it was Hemphill, a recovering drug addict, who dominated the discussion among the purists.

Purists discuss Maple Grief

Angry Wrists Kane started the meet brightly, harvesting 18 points in Round One (including a "monkey off the back" 12-10 victory over Quick Wrist Little, which featured an alarming celebration in which Kane jigged in a lumpy fashion while brushing an imaginary monkey from his left shoulder). However, Kane faded in Round Two where he took a mere 5 points across the board. And, in the final match of their series, endured The Thrashing Of The Day (0-11) at the hands of Hemphill.

The early start time of today's meet (10am) found little favour from Chris "Thunder & Lightning" Forbes. Citing fatigue after a marathon sex session the previous night with a female member of the Scottish stand-up community, Forbes took only 1 point from all of his games in Round One. A much improved haul of 12 points in Round Two may have been a combination of complacency in the minds of his opponents and relief on the part of Forbes after said female texted him mid-meet to say she was "okay" with some of the things he had done the previous night.

Bruce "The Spin Doctor" Morton saw his dreams of a Europa League place crumble, suffering early reverses against Little, Hemphill and preferred doubles partner Rob Kane (together, The Bluenose Blades). Morton's victory over Hemphill in their final match provided some little solace to the Doctor in an otherwise disappointing morning.

As for Quick Wrist Little. A 46 point haul speaks for itself. Rumours persist of extra-curricular practice matches at an un-named club somewhere in Glasgow. Certainly, the self-styled sensei showed super style today, unfazed by being pushed to the wire early-doors by The Spin Doctor and taking on the chin the now famous "Monkey Match" against Kane.

Series Of The Day arguably goes to Little and Hemphill. The Canadian pushed the champ very close in all four games, in a thrilling series which finished in Quick Wrist's favour 11-8, 11-9, 11-9 and 11-8.

Next Table Blades meet is Monday 25th March 11am-1pm.

The penultimate in this initial Table Blades League of five meets.

Have a good week - till next week!

March 13 Places & Report

Quick Wrist Little  145

Maple Grief  81

The Spin Doctor  72

Angry Wrists  59

Thunder & Lightning 58

REPORT

This meeting began with a huge bang as Maple Grief Hemphill slugged it out in the first game to take an epic 16-14 victory over the bookie's favourite, Quick Wrist Little. Already, people are singing songs around campfires about this game. Purists. The next 3 of their series however, favoured Little and showcased the big man's focus when he handed out three vengeful bum-smacks including a Thrashing Of The Day to Hemphill in a totally awesome granny.

Hemphill was ashen.

Nevertheless, the former Maplemeister, over the course of the day, delivered pain across the green and the board. Jazzed by that opening win, big Greg hit a ruthless streak, whipping Chris, Bruce and Rob on the spin.The Moose of Potential showed an antler of aspiration that left bookies reeling. That streak kicked Greg up to 2nd place by the end of play. Make no mistake  - the bear is out of hibernation.

Rob Kane was disappointed with a poor harvest of 12 points on the day, compared to the 47 he pulled last week. Kane was clearly playing through the pain barrier, nursing an evident leg injury.

Purists choice, The Spin Doctor, never quite span his spin.This week, we saw opponents unimpressed. Un-spun. Possibly unintelligent. The cripple Kane though, was the one who threw unexpected spokes in the doctor's wheels.

Chris Forbes' choice, Chris Forbes, found himself, at the end of the meeting, within a point of Angry Wrists Kane, as both of them vie for disappointment.

Credit where it is due to Quick Wrist Little, who sensed confidence in his opponents and casually cooled them out across the day. Breaking little sweat after that early reverse against Greg, big Gary continued to show a steady style, observing the  league gap grow.

League Places: week 2

Quick Wrist Little  99

The Spin Doctor  55

Maple Grief  48

Angry Wrists  47

Thunder & Lightning 37

March 6th Match Report

Gary 99

Bruce 55
Greg 48

Rob 47

Chris 37

REPORT

A four game series. (Each player battled all opponents four times).

On the day, the points gathered were as follows:

Gary 41

Greg 22

Bruce 25*

Rob 25

Chris 19

*Bruce and Rob finished their abandoned game from the previous meeting, with Bruce taking three points to add to his overall tally. Adding all the above to the points total from last week, The Table Blades League now looks as shown at the top of the page, with Gary Little out in front and Chris Forbes in danger of being separated from the pack.


Hemphill and Kane brought new blades to this meeting  - with some impact. Kane was immediately at one with his new blade as he cruised to victories in his first three games, only to meet sustained grief in his encounters with Little who, for the second meeting in a row, sent Kane home without a win in their series.

Hemphill gradually found form, fine-tuning his tool and his style to rack victories here and there across the meeting, including a win (and a deuce defeat) against bookies favourite, big Gary Little, two wins/two defeats against Bruce "The Spin Doctor" Morton and handing out The Thrashing Of The Day to Chris Forbes 11-2.

Forbes improved as the meeting progressed, boasting two late wins against Morton and a remarkable 11-8 victory over Little in the final game of their series. His matches against Angry Wrists Kane brought him two wins in the final two games in their series (albeit Kane pushed him to deuce on each occasion).

Morton struggled today. A fine opening win against Little (12-10, but many of Gary's points were really jammy) proved a false dawn, as he could only draw 2-2 in subsequent series against Hemphill, Forbes and Kane.

As for Gary Little. Another good day at the office. Among the purists, however, and certainly on the internet forums, the chatter has turned to enquiry. Opponents are now taking games from him. In Meeting One, Little harvested 58 points. Today, it was 41. That is a reduction of almost 30%.  No champion, however great, can endure in the face of that kind of percentage loss.

Four of his games today got pushed to deuce. Granted, he won two of those but, wonder the purists, is the big man cracking? Or is it just that the others are improving while Gary's game remains rooted in the days of yesteryear?

Time will tell.

Next meeting: Wednesday March 13th. 3-5pm.

Have a good week - till next week!

League Places: week 1

Gary  58

Bruce 30

Greg  26

Rob  22

Chris 18

Table Blades League - Meeting One

With the addition of Rob "Angry Wrists" Kane to the ranks of the rank, the Table Blades League formally kicked off on February 28th 2013.

As agreed by all five players, the points system in this league is as follows:

Winner takes three points, loser takes none.

If a game goes to deuce and beyond, the loser in that game is awarded 1 point for taking it to the wire.


FEB 28 MATCH REPORT

Each player played each other five times. The five games are referred to here as a "series"

So, then. A spectacular start to the campaign for odds-on favourite Gary "Quick Wrists" Little, who set out his stall with a string of confident victories over the rest of the pack. Only Maple Grief Hemphill was able to put a spoke in Gary's wheel today with a spirited 12-10 win in the fifth game of their series.

Rob Kane pushed the favourite very close in a deuce match, only for big Gary, showing all his experience at this level, to take the victory by 12-10.

Elsewhere, Chris "Thunder & Lightning" Forbes struggled to harness the power of his new blade, The Blutenkirsche. All credit to the young man though, who refused to blame his tool (or a recent dental injury) for some disappointing results. Forbes' best series was against Rob Kane, which saw him win three of those five matches and take a bonus point in the fourth, which finished 12-10 to Kane.

Hemphill registered the biggest win of the meeting with a bravuro display of southpaw skills which saw him hammer Forbes by 11-1.

Bruce Morton, The Spin Doctor, declared himself satisfied overall with a points total of 30 on the day. He will, however, surely be licking his wounds having failed to trouble big Gary in their series. Morton's matches against Kane, though, proved "the purist's choice" as he won two and lost two against the newcomer. Time was called during their fifth match with the scores at 4-4. The match was abandoned amid scenes of chaos.
This match will be resumed at the next meeting (scheduled Wed 6 March).


FEB 28 RESULTS AND POINTS

GREG v ROB
8 11
9 11
11 8
7 11
11 4

GREG 6
ROB  9


GREG V BRUCE
7 11
8 11
9 11
12 10
8 11

BRUCE 13
GREG 3


GREG V GARY
8 11
9 11
6 11
6 11
12 10

GARY 13
GREG 3


GREG V CHRIS
11 4
11 1
8 11
11 8
11 6

GREG 12
CHRIS 3


ROB V CHRIS
7 11
12 10
11 7
7 11
9 11

ROB  6
CHRIS 10


ROB V GARY
7 11
6 11
10 12
5 11
8 11

ROB   1
GARY 15


ROB V BRUCE
4 11
6 11
11 7
11 5
^ Fifth match abandoned at 4-4.

ROB  6
BRUCE 6


CHRIS V BRUCE
6 11
5 11
13 15
11 7
10 12

CHRIS 5
BRUCE 12


CHRIS V GARY
6 11
8 11
5 11
4 11
5 11

CHRIS 0
GARY 15


GARY V BRUCE
11 9
11 3
11 8
11 6
11 5

BRUCE 0
GARY 15


PLACINGS

GARY 58

BRUCE 30

GREG 24

ROB   22

CHRIS 18



And here's some footage of some friendly doubles action which went to deuce.
Kane & Forbes v Little & Hemphill.

Highlights:

1.13 Kane's vicious return from Little's serve.

1.29 Kane serves and a 13 stroke rally ensues.

Blutenkirsche - first sighting

Thunder and Lightning Forbes leaked this image of his new blade, the Blutenkirsche.

This hi-tech blade has only ever been tested on animals and Chinese people, but Forbes claims it will soon be seen in his clenched hand, swatting at balls left, right and centre.

The Blutenkirsche is a "new-gen" blade: comprising an extra-long handle for additional longness, a 2mm synthetic flesh face and a sophisticated on-board electronics suite which allow the face of the blade to anticipate the flight of incoming shots 0.4 seconds faster than the human brain.

Will technology replace talent?

Time will tell.

Before the Storm

The Table Blades gathered at the Gorbals sports centre on 20 February 2013 in what is hoped will be a regular sporting encounter.

Excellent fun was had. A league has been mooted. The players in this proposed league:

• Gary "Quick Wrist" Little

• Chris "Thunder and Lightning" Forbes

• Bruce Morton: "The Spin Doctor"

• Greg "Maple Grief" Hemphill

In a friendly atmosphere  - marred only occasionally by exhibitions of alpha-male strutting and fist-pumping -  2 hours of table tennis ensued. Match results are given below.  These results will not count towards league positions, given that today's meet was the first in which Maple Grief Hemphill appeared and was the first time in a long time that the self-styled "bear rising from slumber", had wielded a blade in anger. (Little, Forbes and Morton had played a few times prior to Hemphill joining the party).

The results do show however, that Hemphill, having got his fat ass whipped in early encounters, quickly began to show signs of the quality which had once brought him admirers among the table tennis connoisseurs of Canada and beyond. Indeed, the only game that reigning champ Little lost today was in a thrilling encounter with the Maple Grief, who emerged victorious in a 12-10 victory.

For the record, today's scores..


Bruce v Gary

6 11

8 11

7 11

6 11

3 11

4 11



Bruce v Chris

11 8

11 7

9 11

7 11


Bruce v Greg

11 8

11 9

11 4

11 4

8 11



Chris v Gary

10 11

7 11

8 11



Chris v Greg

11 8

7 11

11 8

11 9



Greg v Gary

6 11

9 11

12 10

7 11

5 11



So, as we gather at the starting line of this table tennis league, the big questions are:

Can Quick Wrist Little be dislodged as the reigning champ?

If so, how and by whom?

Can Thunder and Lightning prevail as The Spin Doctor battles hard for second place?

Will their titanic struggle be made pointless by the surging presence of the Maple Grief?


Gentleman - fellow Table Blades - I invite you to reply and comment and, initially as we approach the real deal, suggest how we allocate points in this league. I'm thinking this:

A straight victory = 3 points

A victory which went over the 11 match points (e.g a 12-10 win) gives the loser in that game 1 point towards his total in the league.

Also, the doubles games today were super fun. I think it'd be cool to decide on who partners who in an ongoing, separate, doubles league. That is, we keep those teams the same every week and allocate enough time in each meet for 3 or 4 games in the Doubles League.

Thoughts?